You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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