How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
