Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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