Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
