Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
