my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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