babies were throwing up all over the place
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
organizing the empties. That sober.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
