Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize