I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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