i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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