Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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