Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
