Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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