everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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