some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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