when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
