If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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