I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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