you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
