yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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