Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Non-Jews are for practice
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
