I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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