the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
