you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
