I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just cut my nipple shaving
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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