There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
