So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
