I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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