I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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