I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
