The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
