I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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