She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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