On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
