How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
