brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
