I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
