I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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