I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
