I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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