my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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