it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
