No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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