It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
