So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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