"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
