I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize