Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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