Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
