I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize