My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's blow job season.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
