Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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