Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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