she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
