Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
