you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
