He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
