i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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