PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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