We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
