I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
